Scissors
by Jamalame
Summary: Mulder and Scully investigate unusual killings done with a common household utensil...MSR. Complete! Please r
1. Daily Bickering

Title: Scissors  
  
Rating: maybe PG *shrugs*  
  
Category: Humor/ MSR  
  
Authors: Jamie and her little sister, Jillian  
  
Disclaimer: My little sister who wrote this first chapter owns only Agents Fahrt and Curled, no one else! I don't own ANYone!  
  
Jamie's Disclaimer: This type of humor may not be your type; it's rather weird! Lay off!  
  
My 11-yr-old sister has written this first entry. Yes, I know all my fanfics have been inspired by Jilli's willingness to write fic for me! I suggested the scissors idea as sort of an inside joke between another one of my X-phile friends. That just lets you know how much more of a weirdo I am! Anyway, Jilli got tired of writing, so I continued it; my writing will be introduced to you in following chapters.  
  
By Jilli ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Mulder looked at the pair of scissors on his desk with confusion. Who invented these things and why?  
  
"Mulder? What's so attractive about your scissors?" Scully asked.  
  
"Well," Mulder said, tiredly. "I was just thinking whoever invented these  
things had a good imagination."  
  
"Mulder, the Drug Addicts Anonymous meets in a few minutes."  
  
"Scully, that joke isn't funny anymore," Mulder said acting hurt.  
  
"Well, Morphine. . .I mean, Mulder. . ." Scully said, laughing at her own  
joke.  
  
"Don't laugh at your own jokes, Scully," Mulder said, holding back a  
chuckle.  
  
"You just did," Scully said.  
  
"Um, Scully, that was a comeback."  
  
"If you call it that," Scully said, rolling her eyes.  
  
The two agents started arguing so loud that they just couldn't stop until  
Skinner walked in.  
  
"HEY!!!" Skinner yelled. "I was going to give you your next assignment. .  
.or shall I step out and let you two finish?"  
  
"Just one more, sir," Mulder replied.  
  
"All right. One more!" Skinner yelled.  
  
"Fart snuffer."  
  
"What?" Scully asked. "Well, you're a butt petter!"  
  
"Okay, I said one more!" Skinner demanded.  
  
"I thought you guys would like to know about the serial killer loose in Cincinnati."  
  
"Oh, fun!" Mulder said, attempting a blonde giggle.  
  
"Wow, meth really ruins your life." Scully said softly.  
  
"So does red hair apparently. . ." Mulder said with an evil grin.  
  
"Okay agents here is the deal. You guys fly out to Cincinnati the day after tomorrow to examine the murder victims and all the other F.B.I business."  
  
"Yes sir!" Mulder said as he saluted.  
  
Scully didn't say anything. She just sighed and thought, All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. . .All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. . .All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. . .All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. . .All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. . .All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. . .All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. . .All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. . .All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. . .All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. . .All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. . .  
  
When the agents finally arrived in Cincinnati, they got right to work. They met up with two other agents. The first wore a suit and Cincinnati Reds baseball cap. The second looked like he put curlers in his hair.  
  
"Hello!" Scully said sweetly. "I'm Agent Scully and this is Agent Mulder."  
  
"Hey! Whud up dawg!" The first agent said. "Go Reds! By the way I'm Agent Fahrt. This is Agent Curled. We are partners in the Federal Beffro of Invitation."  
  
"Um actually it's the Federal Burrow of Investigation." Mulder replied knowledgeably.  
  
"Actually you are both wrong." Scully said wisely. "It's the Federal Bureau of Investigation."  
  
"Well, I'll be danged!" Agent Fahrt replied. "So I don't really know anything, but I know my baseball! Especially the Reds!"  
  
"I'm a Braves fan myself." Mulder said proudly.  
  
The whole time through out this conversation Scully thought, I knew I should have been a doctor.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
That was it for what's by Jilli! The rest is by me. Hope you like it so far!  
  
~Jamie 


	2. Suspects?

By Jamie ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
As Scully was daydreaming about what her life could have been as a doctor, Mulder interrupted, "C'mon, Scully! We gotta go check out the murder victim!!"  
  
"Uh. . .okay," Scully said tiredly. "Would you care to escort me to the morgue?" she asked, sounding a bit sarcastic. Mulder just looked at her, expressionless.  
  
"Right this way!" a little-too-excited Agent Fahrt said. He lead the way. As they were walking, Mulder couldn't help but notice how Scully kept looking at Agent Curled's hair. *Hmmm, should I try curling my hair* Mulder thought. *Nah, that's too weird*  
  
They arrived at the morgue and Scully got herself ready for the examination of the body.  
  
"Oh, my God," Scully said as she noticed the several cuts made, all along the trunk and face of the body. "He seems to have been 'snipped' to death."  
  
"What'd you say, Scully?" Mulder asked in surprise.  
  
"SNIPPED. To death!!"  
  
"Eep!" Everyone said at once.  
  
Scully finished up in the morgue and decided to join the threesome. Wiping away a few free tears away, she walked down the hall towards the office. Before she entered she thought she would eavesdrop a little. She heard Mulder, "So, Agent Curled. How do you get your hair like that?" "Well, lots of styling gel and curlers work the best for my hair type. Why do you ask?" "Well. . ."  
  
Just then, Scully entered and exclaimed, "Well, that was an interesting corpse!! What'd you find out?"  
  
"Uh," Agent Fahrt was rustling papers, frantically trying to find the paperwork. "Wow. We have two suspects! Lisa Lauper and Jamie McWeird. They've given us problems before, but just minor stuff. Indecent exposure, etc."  
  
"Hmmmm, weird."  
  
"You know, Mulder. We should probably go and question the girls, if you're up to it."  
  
"Nah, I'd rather chill here," Mulder said, smirking like an ornery school boy. Without looking at Mulder, Scully started walking to the agents' rented car. Mulder followed, as usual. Agent Fahrt just gave Agent Curled a confused look.  
  
"Should we go?"  
  
"Uh, probably. . ." Agent Curled said, getting up and heading towards the door. Agent Fahrt sat there for about five minutes, until he realized he should go and help his partner.  
  
*At the McWeird residence*  
  
Mulder knocked in a steady rhythm, and Scully bounced her knees to the beat. Just then, a teenage girl opened the door to see a couple of smartly dressed people acting rather weird. She joined in, dancing and bouncing weirdly.  
  
Just then, Mulder snapped out of it. "Uh, are you Jamie McWeird, miss?" The girl was too clueless and getting into her dancing that Mulder had to ask the same question 7 1/2 more times.  
  
"Uh, yeah," she finally replied, trying to disguise her voice with a low, man's voice. "Hee hee. I'm just being weird. So who are you guys?" she said, now in a normal tone. Scully gave Mulder a look.  
  
"We're Special Agents Mulder and Scully. We'd like to ask you some questions."  
  
"How cool. This'll be a first," Jamie said, doing a little dance.  
  
"Wonderful; this will be my, uh, not first," Mulder said, proceeding with the questioning. "Miss McWeird, were you ever in contact with this man/woman?" Mulder held up a Polaroid of the corps Scully had autopsied.  
  
"Oh, cool!" Jamie exclaimed, grabbing the small photo. "Is that a dead body?"  
  
Scully snatched the picture away from the girl and gave Mulder another one of her looks. Mulder just shrugged his shoulders innocently.  
  
"Jamie, are you familiar with anyone by the name of Lisa Lauper?" Scully asked.  
  
"Well, she might be my mom. Why?"  
  
"She *might* be your mom? What's that supposed to mean?" Scully looked confused.  
  
"It means whatever you want it to mean."  
  
"Cool," said Agent Fahrt, just walking in with Curled behind.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 


	3. Kiss Me

By Jamie ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"So, Jamie. Is Lisa your mom or not?" Scully asked, annoyed.  
  
"Well, I call her 'mom'. And I kinda came out of her. . .well, you know," Jamie said, pointing down.  
  
Scully just rolled her eyes and looked at Mulder. He just shrugged, not knowing what to say. All of a sudden, Jamie started break dancing on the floor in front of the agents.  
  
"Dude," Agent Fahrt said, watching in complete amazement. "I've never seen anything like that."  
  
"Me neither," Mulder replied, eyes wide open.  
  
Scully walked in the next room, pulling Mulder with her.  
  
"Mulder, what are we doing here?"  
  
"Watching some very interesting dancing, that's for sure. . ."  
  
"You know what I mean!" Scully snapped. "The only cool thing about this case is the scissors!" She caught herself and decided not to go on. Although, when she saw the way Mulder was looking at her, she thanked herself, even though he was probably going to make some snide remark.  
  
"Scully?"  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"Kiss me."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 


	4. At the McWeird Residence

By Jamie ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"What?" Scully asked, taken aback.  
  
"I asked you to kiss me," Mulder said, with an ear-to-ear grin.  
  
Once Scully had regained her composure, she replied knowingly, "No, Mulder. I believe you *commanded* me to kiss you."  
  
"Well then?" Mulder then looked deep into Scully's eyes, not moving. Then Scully began leaning forward, her eyes fluttering shut and. . .CRASH! The moment was gone.  
  
"Ah, shoot. That was my mom's favorite lamp! I knew I shouldn't have been spinning in the house," Jamie said, smacking her forehead.  
  
"You mean *Lisa Lauper's* favorite lamp?" Agent Fahrt asked, proud that he had this all figured-out.  
  
"Idiot," Curled mumbled.  
  
"You know, you're just jealous! You're not nearly as keen as I am so you resort to name-calling! The nerve!" Fahrt scoffed.  
  
"Uh," Scully interrupted. "I think we should continue our questioning of Miss McWeird."  
  
"True DAT!!!" Jamie said, trying to sound as "punked-out" as she could. "Bring it Oun!!"  
  
"Miss McWeird," Mulder began. Jamie was looking at him with a look of full concentration. "Where were you on the night of November 14, 1947?"  
  
"Uh. . .I don't think I was born," she said, counting on her fingers. "Yep, I definitely wasn't born yet."  
  
"Right. . .screw this," Mulder said, tossing the little notebook aside. "Do you know anyone by the name of Harry Butt?"  
  
"Actually, yes, I do. He goes to my church!" Jamie exclaimed.  
  
"Reeeally?" Scully asked curiously. "Wasn't that just a control question, Mulder?"  
  
"Well, I just thought the name was interesting. I dunno. Okay, on with the questioning," Mulder said monotonously. "Have you ever killed a human being?"  
  
"ME?" Agent Fahrt asked, with a worried look on his face.  
  
"NO!! I'm talking to Miss McWeird!!"  
  
Agent Fahrt wiped some sweat running down his forehead with his sleeve. Scully made a note of it.  
  
"Okay. No more interruptions!! Jamie! Have you ever killed a human being?!" Mulder yelled.  
  
"Geez!! Simmah down now!! Sheesh. Of course I've never killed a person! I couldn't hurt a fly! Well, that was kind of an expression. I have swatted and killed many flies. Damn things. . ." Jamie continued muttering and Mulder and Scully just looked at each other, realizing the absurdity of this whole situation.  
  
"Our work here is done, Miss McWeird. We may come by tomorrow to question your mother. Will she be home then?" Scully asked, relieved that this day was about over.  
  
"Yeah, she should be. I don't think she's working tomorrow. . ." Jamie got up and looked at the calendar on the wall. ". . .nnnnope. She'll be here. Hooters is closed tomorrow. It's St. Patrick's Day!!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Meaningless trivia: Jamie really does know a family with the last name of "Butt" that goes to her church. There aren't any Harrys, but there is a Richard who goes by Dick! *Why* would someone with the last name Butt go by Dick. ::sigh:: Oh, and the son is very sweet/attractive/everything you could ever want and Jamie wouldn't mind marrying him someday. . .so, can you imagine? Jamie Butt! It's pronounced differently, though. It's Buot. . .like soot :p 


	5. Hubba Hubba

By Jamie ~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Holiday Inn  
  
8:35 pm  
  
Scully sighed loudly and unlocked her hotel room for Mulder and herself to enter. The two walked in and Scully threw the case files on the bed.  
  
"I don't feel like doing this now, Scully. I'm dead tired," Mulder said, yawning.  
  
"Yeah, okay. We'll save this crap for tomorrow, after we talk to Ms. Lauper," Scully agreed. "Scissors. . ." she mumbled, trying to be discrete.  
  
"About that, Scully. Why do you appreciate scissors so much?"  
  
"They do so much! Cut, snip, you name it! I gotta get a hold of myself. . ."  
  
"So do I," Mulder interrupted.  
  
"What'd you say?"  
  
"Hold me."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Scully got up and walked towards Mulder, extending her arms. Mulder willingly hugged her, feeling very comfortable in her arms. Scully's hands were making themselves at home on Mulder's hair and back. She was loving every minute of this. God, he smells great, she thought. After what seemed like hours, Mulder finally pulled away and looked into Scully's eyes.  
  
"That was nice," he said with a smile.  
  
"This would be nicer. . ." Scully put her hands on Mulder's face and pulled it down to hers and their lips met. Mulder urgently wrapped his arms around Scully and devoured her. Scully eagerly opened her mouth to him. Tongues danced, hands petted, penises and nipples hardened, etc. It was wonderful.  
  
As one thing led to another (hubba hubba), Scully thought gratefully, I owe it all to scissors. . .  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 


	6. The Morning After

By Jamie ~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
3:42 AM Scully's hotel room  
  
Mulder woke up, looked to his right, and remembered the happenings of just a few hours earlier (yes, it lasted quite a while).  
  
*Wow* Mulder thought. *Will things change at work? Who cares? I've wanted to be with Scully for the 6 years that I've known her, so it won't be much different. Man, she was hot tonight* Mulder continued this for a while, when something interrupted his thoughts.  
  
"Scissors. . ." Scully stirred. "Oh, Mulder. . .I want you. . .scissors," she trailed off.  
  
Mulder's ears perked up at this, as did another part of his body. (He soon resolved his problem by thinking of Kersh.)  
  
Scully tossed and turned a little and ended up entangling her legs and arms with Mulder's. She took a deep breath that progressed to a slower, steady inhaling and exhaling. In an instant, Mulder found himself wandering back into a deep sleep.  
  
8:17 AM  
  
Scully opened her eyes and took in her surroundings.  
  
*Scissors case. . .Jamie. . .Weirdness. . .Mulder. . .Oh, my God! Did I dream that AGAIN?*  
  
Just then, Mulder walked out of the bathroom in a towel, answering her question.  
  
*Thank God!! I could just eat him up. . .er, wait I already DID!* Scully kidded with herself.  
  
"Good Morning, Sleepyhead. I thought you'd never wake up," he said with a little too much enthusiasm. "You must have had one hell of a night."  
  
"Yeah, I think it was all that racket somebody was making last night for hours. Jeez, I thought it'd never end!" Scully got up and walked over to Mulder. "Did you happen to hear it?"  
  
"Yeah, it was pretty crazy." Mulder closed the space between them and kissed Scully right on the lips. "Oh, Scully."  
  
"I know. . ." she began.  
  
"No. I mean, yeah.but I think you should brush your teeth so we can continue this, " Mulder said, half smiling, half cringing.  
  
"Eep! Can I borrow your toothpaste?"  
  
Scully was shielding her mouth as she waited for Mulder, who was frantically scattering things about the bathroom counter.  
  
"I can't find it, Scully!" Mulder said, frustrated.  
  
"Men can't find anything," she muttered in reply. Scully gave in and walked the couple feet to the bathroom. Without hesitation, she grabbed the toothpaste and toothbrush from the little tray. Mulder just watched and waited, tapping his foot.  
  
"Do you mind?" Scully said, squirting some paste onto the complimentary toothbrush.  
  
"No, not at all."  
  
Scully just rolled her eyes, and began brushing her tongue fiercely.  
  
"Jeez, Scully. Go easy! That tongue still has a lot of use in it!" Mulder said, cringing a little.  
  
"Oh, bon't wou mow ip (don't you know it)," Scully managed to say, still scrubbing her tongue. She rinsed and looked at Mulder with a huge grin. "I'm ready."  
  
"For...?" Mulder said fairly convincingly.  
  
Scully put on a straight face and replied casually, "Oh, you wanna play like that, do you? That's all right. We need to question Ms. Lauper anyway." With that, Scully headed to the shower and turned the water on.  
  
"Damn."  
  
*Am I an idiot, or what?* Mulder thought. He looked down at his crotch area and noticed little Mulder not agreeing with him. Again, he thought of Kersh and decided to go take a shower.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~ 


	7. No Use Cryin' Over Sour Milk

Thank you guys so much for all the reviews! It's very encouraging :) It just gets weirder and weirder; I'm just warning you!  
  
By Jamie ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
At the Lauper/McWeird residence 11:21am  
  
As Mulder and Scully waited for Ms. Lauper to come to the door, Scully realized how much she regretted playing hard-to-get earlier. *I want him now* she thought. *Although, we'd probably still be at it, so it's for the best* She let out a long, noisy sigh, and Mulder tried not to look at her, afraid that he would have to undress her right there.  
  
Just then, Ms. Lauper came to the door. She was a shorter woman, with blonde hair and green eyes.  
  
*She's pretty hot,* Mulder thought, trying to divert his thoughts from Scully. Scully noticed his drooling and handed him her hankie.  
  
"Since when do you carry a hankie, Scully?"  
  
"Uh, who are you and what are you doing at my house?" Lisa said with a confused look.  
  
"I'm Agent Scully and this is Mulder. We're with the FBI. We need to ask you some questions about a murder case. Done with. . .scissors." Scully sniffled. Mulder handed her the hankie.  
  
"Oh, all right. Come on in," the woman led the way into her house. "You say it was done with scissors?" Mulder nodded. "Fascinating."  
  
"What's so 'fascinating' about that?!" Scully demanded. "Are you underestimating the power of scissors?"  
  
"No. . .What? Have you talked to my daughter, Jamie? You're sounding an awful lot like her right now."  
  
"As a matter of fact, we did talk to her. Is she here right now?"  
  
"Of course! I'll call her right now. JAMIE!!!!!!!! THERE ARE SOME FBI AGENTS HERE TO TALK TO YOU!!" Lisa hollered with her loud, triumphant voice. Mulder drooled.  
  
"Seriously. . ." Scully grumbled, handing him her hankie again. "This is getting old."  
  
When Lisa focused her attention back on the agents a loud thumping caused her to turn back around. Jamie was rolling down the stairs, grunting with each blow. When she reached the bottom, she hopped up and modeled her Ninja Turtle pajamas and her hair sticking straight up.  
  
"Long night?" Scully asked, trying not to smile.  
  
"No."  
  
The Agents just looked at Jamie with puzzled looks. "I always roll down the stairs when I get up in the morning. It really wakes a person up!" she said, cracking her neck.  
  
"I'll have to try that," Mulder said blankly. "Wait, I don't have any stairs. . ."  
  
Jamie did ballet turns all to way to the kitchen, fell down, and began crawling to the cereal cupboard.  
  
"Ooookay," Scully said. "So, Jamie. We need to talk more about this scissors case with you. Do you know anything about anyone who may have had anything to do with this murder?"  
  
"What kind of a question is that?" Jamie said as she poured herself a bowl of All Bran. She headed to the fridge and looked at the expiration date on the milk. "Ugh. Oct 13 '90. MOM! WHY DO WE STILL HAVE THIS?" she yelled to Lisa in the other room.  
  
As Lisa walked into the kitchen she replied, "I've been collecting curdled milk for quite some time now. Haven't you noticed?"  
  
"Guess not. Actually, come to think of it, I was wondering why my Oatmeal tasted so funny the other day! Blech."  
  
Mulder made a funny face and decided he wanted to be with Scully for eternity. No sour milk for him. He grabbed Scully and kissed her passionately. At first, she forgot her surroundings and kissed back. When it hit her, she pretended to be disgusted and pushed him away.  
  
"What are you doing?" she demanded, trying to act natural. Really, her body was aching to take him right there, right now.  
  
"Just making sure you brushed your teeth this morning, Agent Scully!" he said, realizing what he did. He made a smacking sound with his mouth and said, "The result is. . .POSITIVE!"  
  
"Okay," she nervously sputtered out.  
  
The mother and daughter just stared, flabbergasted. "I wish I had a man," Jamie sighed.  
  
"I AM NOT A MAN!" shouted Mulder. "I mean, not the way that you're thinking. . .shut up."  
  
*He sure is a man. A whole LOTTA man,* thought Scully. She sighed loudly and the whole group's attention was put on her.  
  
"What?!" she said, fidgeting.  
  
Just then, Agent Fahrt and Agent Curled walked in. Fahrt seemed to be looking for something and asked, "Can I have some All Bran?! That stuff makes me regular!" Everyone groaned; Mulder and Scully of course for a different reason.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 


	8. Stumping Case

Okay! Only a few more chapters! I'm glad you guys are liking it so far :) I appreciate your reviews!  
  
By Jamie ~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Well, Mr. & Mrs. Lauper. Our job here is done," Mulder said as he headed to the front entrance, Scully and Agent Curled close behind.  
  
While Lisa and Jamie were slightly confused, Scully slapped Mulder in the arm and leaned in close to his ear, "Mulder. . .they're mother and *daughter*," she angrily whispered, driving him over the edge.  
  
"Sorry!" he managed to squeak out. "Lisa Lauper, Jamie McWeird. . .we'll be in touch," Mulder winked, now more collected.  
  
"So, can I have some All Bran?!" Fahrt yelled from the kitchen.  
  
"We're leaving, you doof!" hollered Curled from the doorway.  
  
As the three were walking to their vehicles, Jamie put on some disco music and started break dancing. "WHOOOO!!!" she screamed. Lisa escorted Agent Fahrt to the door, desperately trying to divert his attention from her daughter's freakshow.  
  
There was an eerie glow in the morning sky. Suddenly, it got darker and clouds started piling up. A loud crash of thunder startled the whole bunch. Fahrt, whose cheeks were now plump with All Bran, about farted in fear. He ran for his life towards Agent Curled's car and managed to hop in.  
  
"You look like a chipmunk."  
  
"Yeah? Well, you. . .you have curly hair!"  
  
Curled just rolled his eyes.  
  
Cincinnati FBI Headquarters 12:38 PM  
  
::tick tock:: ::tick tock:: The four agents just sat there. . .not knowing what to do next.  
  
"This case is just puzzling me," Curled announced while looking over the paperwork. "We have next to no suspects. . .there wasn't anything unusual about the Lauper/McWeird family, well not murder-wise anyway. . .a-and. And. . .AND. . ."  
  
Just then, he fell onto the floor, having severe convulsions. Fahrt ran over to his partner's side. "Curled?! How will I go on without you? And how am I supposed to continue being the terrific agent I am without my terrific partner?!"  
  
"Back off. . .I'm a *doctor*," Scully said triumphantly. After Scully was done working her magic, Agent Curled stood up. The eyes of the fascinated witnesses were drawn to the smiling Agent Scully. "What can I say? It was only a simple seizure! Anyone could handle it."  
  
"I'm the King of the world!!" Curled proclaimed.  
  
"Curled?" Fahrt raised his brow quizzically. "I thought we decided *I* was the King!!"  
  
Mulder and Scully left the two and decided to get some work done. Walking into the hallway, Scully faced Mulder and waited for the usual.  
  
"This case is different," he began passionately. "We don't have any suspects, but the answer is plainly obvious!"  
  
"Demon-possessed scissors? I don't think so, Mulder. If that were even remotely possible, why wouldn't they have killed more??! Statistics show that objects with their own minds and agendas would go on sprees, not willing to stop. We have only *one* victim. . ."  
  
". . .that we KNOW of," Mulder butted in. "Besides, that's not even what I'm talking about!"  
  
"What other possibilities are there?!"  
  
"Scully?"  
  
"Yeah?" she squeaked.  
  
"You're really turning me on right now."  
  
"You're feeling that too? I thought it was jus-" Mulder silenced her with his mouth abruptly.  
  
As the intensity increased between them, Scully realized where they were doing and hesitantly broke the kiss.  
  
"Mulder," she breathed. "We should really get to the bottom of this case if we want to get back to D.C. before July." She smiled. "I'll always be here."  
  
Mulder's gaze softened. "You're right, Scully. We have all the time in the world!" With no warning, his expression changed from that of love to annoyance. "This case is really aggravating," he whined. "Especially the agents! The sooner we solve it, the better!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 


	9. Think Think Think

By Jamie ~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Joining hands, the two headed back towards the office, ready for anything and everything. Scully stopped.  
  
"You wanna go for coffee or something first, Mulder? I could use a bite and some caffeine."  
  
"WORD."  
  
With that, the agents left and enjoyed a nice brunch together. Mulder had a chicken quesadilla with nachos and a burrito. Scully had a small salad with tofu, beans and some coffee.  
  
As the pair were driving back to the headquarters, Mulder intelligently spoke, "Fast food is only fast if you make it fast; when you're not wanting to go back to work, you eat slow."  
  
"Mulder, I don't think-"  
  
"Just leave it at that, Scully. It was a nice moment." Mulder subtly hushed her with his hand.  
  
The car was silent momentarily; right up until a loud "THHPPBBT!!!" was heard.  
  
"It wasn't ME!!" shouted Scully.  
  
"Uh, Scully? I know it wasn't me and there are only two people here. . ."  
  
"Whatever you say, Mulder." A few seconds passed. Diffusion set in.  
  
"OH, MAN!!" Mulder groaned as he rolled down all the windows with his little buttons. Scully's hair blew wildly in the wind.  
  
"Is this really necessary, Mulder?" Scully whined as she desperately tried controlling her hair from flying into her mouth.  
  
"Of course!" he said, continuing to fan his nose. "What? Did you have BEANS or something?!"  
  
"Duh," Scully replied maliciously.  
  
At Agent Fahrt's Apartment 2:03 pm  
  
Agent Farht walked into his apartment, planning on grabbing a slice of tofurky. He was startled by his mailman, standing there staring at him. "H- hi."  
  
"WHAT the ::bleep:: are you doing in here?! Isn't it simple enough to slip the mail in the little slot?! I didn't have that installed for nothing!!!" Fahrt demanded.  
  
"I-I..." the mailman stuttered.  
  
With that, Fahrt reached into his back pocket for his *scissors* and KILLED the mailman.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!" said the mailman.  
  
"Bwahahahahahh!!!!" said Fahrt, farting.  
  
****  
  
FBI Headquarters 2:04 pm  
  
"Okay, Scully. Let's think about other possibilities. The killer is who we'd least expect to kill anyone; especially with *scissors*. Isn't that a little weird? I mean, who kills with scissors?" Mulder pondered.  
  
"Mulder, I know you find it hard to believe, but I've been reading about past scissor attacks. . .and with the constituents of my research, I've come to the conclusion that our prime suspect would have to be a work colleague," Scully informed while farting.  
  
"That just BLOWs my mind!" Mulder replied, farting.  
  
Scully farted. Mulder farted.  
  
"FAHRT!!!" Scully hollered.  
  
"What?"  
  
"He's the killer! Remember when he got so nervous when he thought we were asking *him* the questions about the murder? Well, it's plainly obvious!"  
  
"Right, Scully," Mulder said as he skeptically lifted an eyebrow.  
  
"I bet we'll find plenty of evidence if we went to his apartment right NOW! He's a idiot! That's why it's all so obvious!" Scully farted.  
  
Without saying a word, Mulder and Scully headed off to Agent Fahrt's apartment.  
  
****  
  
2:30pm  
  
Fahrt sat there, contemplating what he had just done, bloody scissors in hand. It had been so easy to dispose of the body when he was elsewhere...hmmm. What was he to do? Snip him up and put him in his plants? He didn't have much time. . .someone may have heard the mailman's "Ahh!".  
  
All of a sudden, he heard a pair of footsteps running, nearing his apartment door. He slowly crept off to the side of the door, scissors ready as the door slowly opened and. . .  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
BWAHAHAHAH. . .I loooove cliffhangers!! *clears throat* Oh, and sorry about the farting. LOL I've always wanted the agent to pooter in the middle of a quiet scene. I guess that's what fanfic is for!! Only one more chapter!  
  
~Jamie 


	10. Death

Okay, looks like this is the final chapter!! This fic will live ON though! I think I get too attached to my. . .work. Well, enjoy! ::sniffle::  
  
By Jamie ~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Mulder kicked the door in, causing Fahrt to jump and fart.  
  
"He's in here," Mulder told Scully.  
  
"Oh, my God. . ." Scully walked over to the mailman's corpse. "I was. . .right. I didn't want to be right, Mulder. I mean, it's so hard for me to believe that an FBI agent could be so willing to kill."  
  
Suddenly, Fahrt lunged at Mulder but before he could do him any harm, Mulder shot him. It was a perfect shot in the arm that would only hospitalize him for a couple weeks.  
  
Scully ran over to Fahrt, realizing that that couple of weeks would be elongated to death.  
  
"You hit his brachial artery, Mulder," Scully informed.  
  
"What? He's gonna bleed to death?" Scully nodded in reply. "Cool."  
  
The agents sat there, when Scully realized she should call the paramedics. When she did, it took them about five minutes for them to come take both Mr. Mailman and Agent Fahrt to the ER.  
  
The Agents just sat there, rather shocked.  
  
"How did you know, Scully? I mean, all you did was read an old scissor- attack report. What could have possibly given you that much insight to this case?"  
  
"It was a lucky guess. . .and I had already suspected a little something like that."  
  
4:08 pm  
  
Assistant Director Walter Skinner walked in to see Agents Mulder and Scully working in silence in their basement office.  
  
"Fine work, Agents," he began. "I'll need your report by tomorrow morning at 9. Enjoy the rest of your evening." Nonchalantly, the boss left, heading for the elevator.  
  
"Mmmkay. That was a little odd, don't you think Mulder?"  
  
"Scully, you read into stuff too much. Wanna come over to my place tonight?"  
  
"Uh, sure! But I have one request."  
  
"Yes?" Mulder asked, his curiosity peeking.  
  
"Can I bring my scissors along? Yes, they've been known to kill, but they did finally bring us together."  
  
Mulder had a face of uncertainty. "I dunno Scully. . .are we really going to be needing them? I had something *else* in mind."  
  
Scully forgot about the scissors completely and jumped for joy (internally). Mulder grinned, put an arm around her and lead her out to his car. She still had her cool exterior and replied, "Okay, but if it's watching 'Caddyshack' I'm going to have to use *your* scissors."  
  
END ~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well, thanks to everyone who supported this fic! It was pretty crazy and I'm glad some people have the same sense of humor as myself! Have a great day and watch out for those SCISSORS!! Muahahah. . .  
  
~Jamie 


End file.
